Monday, October 18, 2004

Mr Slowpitch signs with Presidential Debate Commission

This just in from Reuters and the AP.

The Lap Dog Media Watch has just learned that Chris (“Mr SlowPitch”) Matthews signed a deal with the Presidential Debate Commission several months ago.

In the deal, SlowPitch has agreed not to lead significant, comprehensive, and in-depth discussions of Presidential Debate key issues that could have a tangible, positive impact on the lives and security of his fellow citizens.

Details are still sketchy but the broad outlines of the 5 year, $2 Million agreement are clear.

The SlowPitch/Commission agreement will be discussed over the next few days. This blog will cover the key domestic issue covered in the agreement. The next blog will cover the foreign policy issues covered by the agreement. Finally, a blog will cover the way in which SlowPitch will use his infamous Curve Ball to distract his fellow citizens from the realization that he’s not really talking about any issues that impact them (Operation Hardball Horserace).

The SlowPitch/Commission Agreement on Domestic Issues

In the agreement, SlowPitch has agreed not to help tens of millions of his fellow citizens understand how their lives might be changed as a result of a plan to provide affordable health care to all Americans. Now this was seen to be important, but it wasn’t the most important part of the domestic portion of the agreement.

He has further agreed not to undertake an in-depth examination of the health care issue to determine whether a private and comprehensive plan might actually be successfully undertaken without significant worsening of the US budget deficit.

This second element of the deal was an important one: If the lives of millions of men, women, and children could actually be improved without signficant worsening of the US federal deficit and the plan was really based in private sector solutions then it was thought likely that millions of Americans would find it to have tangible positive implications for their lives.

And if that happened, the election outcome might, in fact, be profoundly impacted.

The headline again… SlowPitch signs an agreement not to lead any discussion of issues that might have a tangible, positive impact on the lives and security of his fellow citizens.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Here's something you don't know Chris

We were attacked on 9/11 and we're at war in Iraq.

And during the final Presidential debate the President lied about a previous statement he made about Osama bin Laden, a dangerous enemy of the American people.

As the "Real Man Journalist" leading a discussion about that debate you could have at least brought up the question of what it means for the American people for a President to lie about his own statements about dangerous enemies of the United States.

What you don't know Chris is this:

The proof that you are MR SLOWPITCH is that, in fact, you refused to broach this issue of the President's obvious lie even for a few seconds.

You chose, instead, to focus the discussion on the silly (Mary Cheney) non-issue that YOU SURELY KNOW has absolutely no impact on the welfare and security of the American people.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

Don't worry Andrea, I won't tell anyone about you and Alan and pillow talk

After the third and final Presidential Debate, it was astonishing to hear Andrea Mitchell of NBC News criticize John Kerry's views on the economy when he specifically stated that he disagreed with her husband Alan Greenspan.

Thank god that she did this on Hardball, you know, the show hosted by that Real Man with the Strong Arm who DARES people to come on the show and Play Hardball with him, you know, Chris Matthews.

This certainly isn't a tough job for our man Chris. All he had to do was say something like this:

"Andrea, we appreciate your view and we want to hear more. We should also note for the record--because I'm the Real Man who only throws Hardballs--that John Kerry took issue with a position of your husband tonight and our audidence, who I respect enough to tell them, should know that so your view can be thought about carefully."

That's it. That's all he had to say to be worthy of our respect.

But he didn't say it. And no one else on his Hardball-Pitcher-Panel did either.

He didn't, of course, because he's just another Media Lap Dog.

Chris Matthews Throws Like A Girl

The self-proclaimed First String Picher of American TV Politics is Chris Matthews. You know 'im: that Fastball Talkin', Hardball Throwin', Chew 'em up and Spit 'em out Arm of MSNBC.

Maybe you've seen that fast pich a' his. It looks like this: "I'm an insidr, man. Man, I throw fastballs. Look, here, look, here, look, here, look, let me prove it to ya'. Let me show ya' some of my gests at a single half-second when they are the most inarticulet in their lives (and jes before they recover)."

Wow! Now THAT is a REAL MAN! A man who invites gests to his show and then humiliates 'em in his advertisin' and then gets 'em to beg to come back to do it again.

This blog is dedicated to documenting the ways in which Chris Matthews plays Hardball only in his own mind. He is, in fact, just another Media Lap Dog.

Really, ya' know, he throws jes like a girl.